A politicians anotomy

Five surgeons are discussing who the best patients to operate on were.

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order...'

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the arsehole - and they are interchangeable'

Yes this is a joke which was emailed to me but I just could not resist sharing it to start Tuesday morning on a lighter note

A lick ass event!

Oh how I wished I had said I could not attend it. I had so many good, genuine excuses under my belt which I could have used. I had the misfortune of being invited for the Business Today Top 10 awards ceremony. I did feel a sense of apprehension and foreboding the moment I got the invite. But my vanity stomped on my common sense and made me confirm my participation. My vain brain was conjuring up images of me hobnobbing with top businessmen shaking hands clinking glasses passing out cards and making small talk and working the crowd like Bill Clinton at a fund raiser. However memory should have shattered these illusions as most of the time in reality is me standing on a side with a drink in my hand looking for someone to talk to. Whilst pretending to be busy messing around with my phone. That is the advantage of a Black Berry cos people think that you are actually working.

Anyway I went to this function at the Hilton fashionably late. Hoping that the proceedings would have started. But sadly the Cheap guest ooops I mean the chief guest decided to grace the occasion even later. After about 20 minutes Mr.Basil Rajapakse walked in to a lot of hoopla and fanfare. What I found intriguing was the number of body guards which made up his entourage. One could be pardoned for thinking that Prabhakaran was still alive.

From there on everything was downhill for the next seventy five minutes.

Gosh the two lovely ladies who came on to the stage to compeer could not do anything else other than barrage everyone mercilessly about what a wonderful human being BR was. As well as his daughter and his wife. They only did not mention how good his dog and cat were. They loved him. He loved them and everyone loved one another. Except those of us in the audience of course.

The organisers went to great pains to establish their close links with the government and how they did a lot of work for the government completely free of charge. It was an ass kissing exercise of a gigantic scale and I guess they catered to the ego of BR without giving a thought about all the business leaders who were present. What I can’t understand is how someone who is the brains behind all this strategy of the government can fall for such crap like this. Guess shit happens. And what was worse was that the shit did not stop flowing. They went on bombarding us with this crap for an hour by which time people were getting quite flustered. People were exchanging SMS messages and one could hear the faint buzz of conversation picking up and finally a few of us decided to sneak out of the event pretending to be going to the bathroom. We all ended up going to the pub and having a good drink. So in the end it was not such a bad night after all. Of course other than the faint hangover I am nursing as I type these words.

What kind of Corn is Akon?

So suddenly we of the Sri Lankan public have another person of ill repute competing for our attention including Merv the Perv and such others. And just like poor fonny Akon has been made out to be a bad guy by the media hype created by the government. To many people who are not familiar with the weired names of western musicians pronouncing the artists name can be quite problematic. I was walking around the office and saw this press cutting pasted on a wall and thought it is worth sharing. I am saddened by what happened. I think the main reason they denied Akon the visa was because Y FM was the media sponsor. I just wish that the president has intervened and stopped such foolishness like he did when the Swiss journalists whose visa was cancelled because she asked embarrassing questions during the Presidential Elections. I think the misguided and selfish actions of our leaders have clustered us along with the pariah states like Burma Iran and Cuba. I for one don't like being considered a pariah.

Some Mothers...

Ugh! This incident happened to me this morning. I was dropping my kids off at school. This car was parked on the curb and a parking spot ahead became free. So as I was about to move into the slot this car moves into that position leaving me stranded with my rear out on the middle of the road. I was like that for a couple of minutes till the kids got out opened the boot took their bags out and headed into school. I hate to be a sexist but I could not help but notice it was a lady behind the wheel. If I had not made a promise to myself not to succumb to incidents of road rage I would have definitely cut in front of her and give her a taste of her own medicine so to speak but it was just not worth the sweat.

Cabernet Sauvignon, Pathola Hodi plain tea and Long Legs!

One would think these are highly unrelated topics but believe it or not all this has to do with a wine tasting which I was invited to! Yes my friends I feel quite hoighty toighty as I type these words cos finally have managed to have a glimpse into the how the richer half lives.

I am sure it was an complete accident that I was invited, since it is not every day you are invited to something like this I made sure I went for it even though I generally don't step out of the house on a Saturday. It was with anxiety that i stepped into the lovely house of DJ as I did not know what (or who) to expect. Fortunately for me there were people I knew and they were a nice and friendly crowd.

I was expecting a few bottles of wine to be passed around and drunk and nothing more but instead I walked into the setting of a full scale presentation. There was a projector and sound system set up and a guy actually made a formal presentation giving us an insight into the complex world of wine appreciation. .

I was expecting to be bored a bit and get drunk but amazingly it turned out to be an evening which was not only entertaining but educational as well. The guy who made the presentation new his stuff from food to wines and it was really interesting to see him in action. Also he used a lot of local examples to make his point clear. One of which was that pathola hodi will never be able to replace Kiri Hodi with string hoppers because our palate is not used to the combination. It is the same with choosing the right wine for your meal. And the reference to tea was about the kahata which is similar to the dryness of a wine.

Let me highlight some of the other nuggets of information I learnt for everyone’s benefit.

*A dry wine means it has no sugar and therefore even can be enjoyed by diabetics. All this time I had thought you had to wipe the bottle and glass extra hard to ensure there was no moisture.

*The normal grapes you get in Supermarkets are called dessert grapes and cannot be used for making wine. In fact there is a special breed of grapes called Vitis Vinifera which all wines are made of. And Merlot and Chablis and all other wines red or white are sub species.

*That you can make a white wine with red grapes (by removing the skin) but cannot make a red wine with white grapes. (Unless you get one of our goons who chew beetle and ask him to spit into it I suppose – this is the thought which crossed my mind but I refrained from sharing this with everyone for the greater good)

*That White wine is best enjoyed at 8 degrees Celsius and red at 18. In warm climates you need to put the wine in the fridge about an hour before to make it cooler and if you want to maintain the temperature keep the wine in iced water instead of ice cubes.

*A wine has legs which what the trails left in the glass once you swirl it are called. And believe it or not long legs mean higher alcoholic content.

*There is something called Chilled wines where the grapes are crushed when they are frozen which means the water in the grape is not extracted therefore the wine is fruitier and sweeter.

*That wines which are capped are not necessarily bad wines and also it has to be drunk within two years from the date of manufacture

*That taste is 80% aroma and 20% smell to illustrate this point we were asked to eat a mint while holding our noses. And it was absolutely true.

Many wine bottles were open as the presentation was made and I did have a glass or two but to be honest I don’t drink that much wine and I prefer sweet wine. And my palate was not refined enough since I am generally an arrack and coke man.

After the wine tasting this guy actually tossed a Cesar salad and a pasta and we had a barbecue dinner which was excellent. I limited my drinks to just two glasses of wine as I did not want to be copped. But it was a pleasant evening and I realized that I actually have learnt quite a lot not bad for a night out where I expected to get piss drunk.

The time wasters!

Sadly every country has them but it seems the business community in sri lanka has more than most. Recently I had to encounter such a bunch much to my bad luck. What made it worse was the owner was a personal friend of mine. The company concerned is the largest retailer in men's wear. We went for many meetings over a period of three months. Each round trip consisting of over forty kilometers and what was worse was consuming nearly three hours of time. We did at least six creative campaign ideas as the client changed his mind from using cricketer as a model to a normal guy. After going back and forth many times we finally froze on a route. The sigh of relief we heaved was short lived when they started bargaining with us on cost at half of what we quoted. Finally we gave in once they threatened to do the campaign in house as we had already incurred the front end development cost which is the most expensive and this way we could reduce our losses. But then they say nope we have already done it in house and don't need your stuff anymore. Sadly there was nothing we could do about it other than lick our wounds and hope that one day they would get punished for their lack of consideration. Sometimes I wonder how these people stay in business?

From Café Sante to Café Sans to Sans café – the tale of the deterioration and demise of the new café at the body bar 

Yes this is quite an interesting story of greed over promising and just rewards which I witnessed from the beginning to the end at the gym I visit. Now they gym had a simple Café before run by quite a poor boy and his sister. They did an excellent job was reasonably priced and everyone loved it. Except guess the management of this institution who had not heard the saying “Don’t fix it if it aint broke”.

One day they were given notice and were told a bigger better and nicer café was going to be built at the gym. Of course the rent was going to be jacked up many times and to add insult to injury they were asked to join as staff of the new gym. Of course the boy refused and left and finally the patrons at the gym were left high and dry for nearly a year or more before the newly renovated and refurbished “café Sante” was launched by a new owner.

Now the new owner had been spun a story about the quality of the clients of the gym and how most of them were very rich to be honest all of this was true. And all the Mercedes and BMWs and Land Cruisers and Monteros’ parked outside the gym added credibility to these facts. In fact if you looked at it from outside it made perfect business sense to start a small upscale café for these high yield individuals. But no one had told them that these people were some of the stingiest people under the sun and would complain and bicker and bitch if the price of a patty was increased from ten rupees to twelve rupees. The Café Sante started on a bad wicket from day one. Mainly because the clients of the gym did not like how the previous café owners had been treated by the management. So everything which was done at the Café was compared against how the previous guys did it. The stuff in the café was more expensive than before not by a huge amount I would say 20-30 rupees more; but it was enough for everyone to complain. Also the café owner did not take the trouble to understand the specialized nutritional requirements of the gym junkies and they were selling what they wanted. For example the previously the brother and sister used to make half boiled egg whites for people who needed a protein boost immediately after their work out and had bananas for sale for instant energy boosts. Also we had not been having access to a café for over a year so everyone was in the habit of bringing in their own post work out snacks and this too was a contributing factor to the lack luster demand for the services of the café.

They did not have some of the basics right for instance I would never patronize the café if I did not have change because the sales girls are not supplied with cash float. One day I only had a 2000 rupee note and they made it my problem to find the right amount of cash. Ultimately I had to get my trainer to pay for it but from that day onwards I never order anything unless I have the exact amount of notes in my purse. Also most of the time what was advertised was not available.Very soon the owners of the café realized that things were not working out and they were being ignored by the customers of the gym. So instead of trying to take steps to entice the customers back they scaled down their operation further. Now the café did not operate at all the times that the gym did. In fact they started closing on Sundays and half days Saturdays. Also the few items on offer became fewer. It was a vicious cycle. And from what I saw the café was more closed than open. But I guess that way they could save money and cut down the losses. Anyway this morning I heard the owners of the café had finally decided to shut down and the brother and sister who ran the café are going to be coming back to take it over once more. It is sad because the lady who did the café was a decent individual but she thought it was a seller’s market. I also believe that the ill will created by the rough handling of the previous owners of the café made the clients of the gym resist the new café in a subconscious level. Anyway it seems everything has gone an entire circle and we are right back at square one. :)

Crows at dusk over townhall!

I can't believe why I found this site so fascinating but it was awesome and a bit surreal to see all these crows moving around in odd patterns while cawing away at the top of their voices. I still don't know what aggravated them. But it was quite unusual and disturbing. Made me think of one of those eerie horror movies featuring birds.

Sometimes it is the little things which count.

You step out of the house looking forward to a delightful evening. By the beach with your family enjoying the company of friends you have not met in a long time the wind blowing in your hair the sand under your feet enjoying the Delicious food which is being served. But your children don't share the same vision. They sit down quietly for fifteen minutes like angels. Then they get restless and decide to play cops and robbers. The fact that their are other people in the restaurant to enjoy a quiet evening is incidental. They just serve as nice objects to hide behind and move around. You are not in a position to have that good chat with your friend you have been looking forward to? In fact you have to spend your time chasing behind the kids from table to table. The food is getting cold. And worse of all you know you are disturbing the other diners. You can feel them staring daggers at you behind you back wishing they could just switch you off like they would switch off a TV. The evening you looked forward to so much is suddenly turning out to be a nightmare. But all of a sudden you see the staff of the restaurant noticing your plight taking the kids off your hands. They keep the kids occupied. Play with them even though they have a restaurant full of hungry diners to look after. You are able to enjoy your dinner and the company and make a decent night of it after all.
This is a true story of what happened at Loon Tao a couple of months back when my friend C took some friends from abroad their.
This was discusses when myself and C and AJ were having dinner a couple of days ago and the service had been exceptionally good and friendly. Even though we wanted to try a different and new dinner experience that day we finally chose the assured quality of food and service of Loon Tao opposed to the unknown.
I am just making this post as a tribute to all those people who work at Loon Tao who go out of their way to make it a worthwhile place to keep coming back on and on.

No sex please I am a virgin (and proud of it)!

Well one would have thought that these words might have sprung out from the lips of a sweet innocent female. Nope you are wrong. It was from a guy someone who makes all the ladies weak in the knees everywhere he goes. I know this for sure because I see it hap penning every time he visits my office.
I was having dinner with him and another dear friend at Loon Tao just the other day and amidst the cool beer and hot buttered cuttle fish with the sound of crashing waves gently serenading us on a warm and humid night this story unfolded about a girl. An Eurasian lady who is drop dead gorgeous who could not believe that my friend did not want to make use of a lovely body which was offered to him on a platter.
My friends religious beliefs are such that they do not believe in sex before marriage and it is a principle which he upholds very strongly.
Now I know many (including me) would find it impossible to resist the advances of a woman on full seduction mode. But my friend is made of sterner stuff and did not crack under pressure. And the more he resisted the more she wanted him but finally decided to let go when she realized that there are somethings even a charm assault cannot crack.
I know many would find this humorous but I have nothing but sheer admiration for someone with such self control.

Inconsideration...

It seems the management of Body Bar has just discovered the concept of cost cutting and seems to have taken to it like ducks to water.

One of the first items in the list to get chopped off was the morning security guard. Of course I am yet to face the parking nightmares this would lead to since I go in the morning when there is not that much of "thada badaya"

However from the day they stopped the morning security I see this car parked in a position where it will create a obstruction for people who need access to parking facilities at the back of the gym as well as making it impossible for the two parking slots next to the vehicle being used as then the path to the back would be blocked completely.

What is amazing is there are always free parking slots available at the time that lady drives in as the car park is virtually empty. And she can park anywhere she wants. Guess she has taken this quite literally and parking where it would cause the maximum inconvenience. Please note she used to park in a regular slot before the security guard was removed.

It seems either she has some kind of compulsive fetish to park at this particular spot or is the kind of lady – and I use this term tongue in cheek - who gets a kick out of making life miserable for others. If you see her she is quite a posh intelligent and could be considered nice and refined. Someone who does not fit the type of character who would resort to such behavior. But as the saying goes you can't judge a book by its cover.

Well Done Jeff!!!

So finally you did it. Or was it rather a case of it happened.

Sure the academy panel had ignored you for many years but I on the other hand new you were going to be my fav male actor the moment I saw your performance many moons back in “The fisher king”. You made my cry in “Against all odds” whilst making me laugh like a hyena and wish I was stoned while watching the “The big lebowzki”. But every movie I saw you in was wonderful. Yes every one of them. Watching you perform was like looking at the parts of a well oiled machine working in harmony.

I did not know that you had been married for over 30 years till the Oscar awards. And I am sure it is not because you were unable to pull in the chicks. Could it be because you did not want to? Or was it rather that you made sure the wife (and the media) did not know. Whatever it is knowing these facts made you go one notch higher in my esteem.

Yes It was a long wait and I am sure it must have hurt to see when people less senior and of lesser talented than you get what you so richly deserved. But now you too have an Oscar under your belt. Congratulations!!!!

Cruelty to Humans in modern marketing communicatons!

This has been a subject which has been irking me for many years and I had always wanted to make a mental note about it. But never got down to it till yesterday when my wife told me how sorry she felt for the people who were walking around wearing large Etisalat logos in town. That galvanized me into finally writing this post.

It seems the newest fad in the marketing community is BTL activation. And while some activation ideas are really good -to be honest nothing comes to mind of what I consider good - other activation ideas actually make me shudder.

For instance when Dialog had people dressed up as umpires miming actions of fours and sixers or Keells super having kids seated around popular junctions carrying signs saying lower than the lowest prices or odel having people dressed in white coats dripping with sweat and dust by evening. These are just a few of the examples which come to mind.

To me some of these ideas not only insult the intelligence I believe they exploit the people who take part in these things because of the lack of money. It is not morally right. I seriously wish that sanity would prevail.

The unholy christian...

It was a beautiful Sunday morning I was trying to find a parking spot down a side road of Kirimandala Mawatha near Peoples Church where I worship every Sunday. With a congregation of nearly 10,000 people who worship in three back to back services there was hardly a spot to be found. Infact I had to drive way down the lane and turn back after going a couple of hundred meters down the road when I saw a free parking spot. I was just about to turn in when someone came in and blocked me and it seemed about to take my place. But he could not turn in without me taking my vehicle out. So we were both stuck. And waiting for the other one to give way.

I looked at who was driving this car and it was someone I knew. He was a senior elder of the church and one of the last people I expected to behave in such an inconsiderate and bullying manner. In fact this guy has come to my office to work on some projects. Anyway I let him have the parking slot as he was after all an elder of the church. (Though he was behaving like a kid in this situation). But I think I had the last laugh as I was driving away a security guard on duty found me a parking slot right next to the church whilst the other gentleman had quite a long walk from where he parked. Sometimes it pays to give way even if you are being wronged.

Politically correct jokes

1

The prime Minister of China called President Bush to console him after the

attack on the Pentagon:

'I'm sorry to hear about the attack.It is a very big tragedy. But in case

you are missing any documents from the Pentagon, we have copies of

everything.'

============ ========= ========= ========= =====

2

Musharraf calls Bush on 11th sept:

Musharraf: Mr President, I would like to express my

condolences to you. It is a real tragedy. So many people, such great

bldgs... I would like to ensure that we had nothing in connection with

that...

Bush: What buildings? What people??

Musharraf: Oh, and what time is it in America now?

Bush: It's eight in the morning.

Musharraf: Oops....Will call back in an hour!

============ ========= ========= ========= ====

3

Vajpayee and Bush are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman,

'Isn't that Bush and Vajpayee?'

The barman says 'Yep, that's them.' So the guy walks

over and says, 'Hello, what are you guys doing?'

Bush says, 'We're planning world war 3'

The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'

And Vajpayee says, 'Well, we're going to kill 14

million Pakistanis and one bicycle repairman.'

And the guy exclaimed, 'A bicycle repairman?!! !'

Vajpayee turns to Bush and says, 'See, I told you no-one would worry about

the 14 million Pakistanis!'

============ ========= ========= ========= =====

4

Pakistani on the moon:

Q: What do you call 1 Pakistani on the moon?

A: Problem...

Q: What do you call 10 Pakistanis on the moon?

A: Problem...

Q: What do you call a 100 Pakistanis on the moon?

A: Problem....

Q: What do you call ALL the Pakistanis on the moon?

A: ...... Problem Solved!!!

============ ========= ========= ========= =====

5

A man is! taking a walk in Central park in New York . Suddenly he sees a

little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog.

He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the

dog and saving the girl's life.

A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: 'You are a

hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers:

'Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl'.

The man says: 'But I am not a New Yorker!'

Oh then it will say in newspapers in the morning:

'Brave American saves life of little girl' the policeman answers.

'But I am not an American!' - says the man. Oh, what are you then?'

The man says: 'I am a Pakistani!'

The next day the newspapers say: 'Extremist kills innocent American dog '

I know this is another email which i got which I am publishing here and sometimes its not cool to publish your emails as a blog entry. But I just think some of these stuff is cool and relevant and cannot help but put them up on here to share with everyone.

Dyening at the Mango Tree.

Now The Mango Tree was one of the few restaurants which has evaded my path for some unknown reason. Maybe it was the fact that someone told me that the staff was snooty and had an take it or leave it attitude since the restaurant was so popular. Also my desire for Indian food was adquately sated by Amrit Masala and Amaravathi therefore I really did not have a need to patronise another Indian restaurant.
Anyway finally many years after it was open I visited Mango tree with my brood as I was invited for lunch by RS. One thing which really struck me was the chic decor. It was refreshing to see a indian restaurant without an Indian theme in the decor. Also what was lovely were the mocktails. They were reasonably priced and absolutely delicious. And I would love to go there just to sample more of them once more. I had something called December Rain which was tangerine and mint was lovely and refreshing and kids loved their paradise island which was strawberry slush and well presented.

The food was as expected it was good spicey tasty and it seemed full of dye.
Once I finished eating I looked at my fingers and it was that awful tandoori orangish red. Now the bowls of water they bring to wash the fingers have very little water and I thought this could be the reason why my hands were not getting cleaned properly. So I went to the toilet and washed. No luck. On my way home I went to office and washed still no luck throughout the day and night I have been washing my hands like a maniac. But 24 hours later as I sit and type this my right hand has stii a faint orange glow around the fingers and still smells of Indian Food. Now I have eaten quite a lot of this Indian stuff in my life and this is the first time I had such a lasting problem in my hands. Pun intended. I was thinking to myself imagine if my hand was like this I would hate to think what my insides would be like.
On the brighter side if in the coming elections they run out of those indelible markers which they use to mark the fingers all they need to do is order some chicken tikka from the Mango Tree.

The law of attraction!

To some this is hocus pocus and gobbeldy gook whilst to others this is the holy grail.

I bumped onto this subject completely by accident. But when I looked below the surface I realized that there is an entire industry which is thriving around this culture. Yes it can be called a culture of its own.

I just wanted to write about the “Law of attraction” and share it with you because firstly I believe in it and secondly after reading some of the angst outlined in some of my regular haunts I know this is going to help you without a doubt.

So the basic principle of the law of attraction is “What you think is what you get”

For instance if we are thinking about our debt we get more debt if we are thinking about war we experience more war or if we are thinking about how fat we are then we end up getting fatter.

The principles of the law of attraction are outlined in the popular movie called “The Secret” which is also available as a book and a audi book. But there are hundreds of books on the subject and one of the most popular being “The power of the subconscious mind” by Joseph Murphy.

The basic key is not to have negative thoughts and always focus on the aspects of your life which you are grateful for? So instead of thinking of reducing debt think of increasing income, instead of thinking anti war think of pro peace and instead of thinking of how to get rid of fat think about being thin. It is difficult at first but once you start realizing that you are dwelling on negative thoughts then automatically you tend to check yourself.

When I look at Sri Lanka where every person’s life is always focusing on the negative I think this kind of thinking would do wonders for everyone. Just to prove my point if you ask someone in Sinhalese How is life you are assured that 99.9% of the time they will say “Waradak ne” or (“Nothing wrong”)

I also found that there are references to the law of attraction in the bible. It seems I have stumbled across the solution to all the problems of mankind.

Fire him or fire him not….

To be honest I should have fired him long time ago. He is one of the nicest guys I have met personable, speaks well, dresses well can carry on an intelligent conversation. I had a lot of high hopes for him when I interviewed him. In fact he performed well even in the test I gave him. But it seems he has the opposite of the Midas touch. He manages to shit on everything virtually he touches. He started as the divisional head supervising four to five people but now we have reduced the responsibilities to supervise only one still I have enormous complaints from clients… the worse thing is it has come to such a point when he tells me that he has done something I don’t trust him and I want to make sure that it has happened. Just to show you my frustration let me show something which I have noted down in my black marks document which I keep track of the serious mistakes some people make…
… checked if client quote was mailed… said yes he did so… asked if a cc was sent to subordinate… says no because subordinate sent it… of course subordinate has already told me that quote is with him and he needs to fill in some additional information… so we are back to square one and the job has not progressed one inch.
There are many similar situations like this and there have been times that I have really torn my hair apart. But something prevents me from firing him though I should have done so many months ago the way things are happening. I was asking myself why I haven’t fired him so far. Was it my belief that anything can be overcome with the right amount of tact and patience? Sadly it realized that it was not the case but mainly because I liked the guy a lot even though he was an “A” grade bullshitter.